Repost and Update: Gazik's list Part III

[dracodraconis]

Updated with contributions from entropicana and ironphoenix. Contributions are, as always, welcome.


100 More Lessons

201. All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.
     
202. All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.
     
203. I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.
     
204. I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.
     
205. All repair work will be done by an in house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.
     
206. When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
     
207. Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the time sheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.
     
208. Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.
     
209. I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.
     
210. All guest quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.
     
211. If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.
     
212. I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
     
213. I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.
     
214. If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)
     
215. If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.
     
216. If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.
     
217. If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
     
218. I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "Its power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.
     
219. I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempts to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.
     
220. Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."
     
221. My force field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.
     
222. I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"
     
223. I will install a fire extinguisher in every room three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.
     
224. I will build machines that simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".
     
225. I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.
     
226. Should anyone prophesy that a child will rise from a certain village/clan/religion/general enthicity and topple my reign, I will immediately make that group the most favored part of my regime. I will not under any circumstances order a genocide of his people or the killing of their children.
     
227. The inside diameters of pipes, conduits, ductwork, etc. in my lair shall not be greater than 15 cm. If a higher flow rate is required than such a pipe can support, multiple well-separated pipes shall be used.
     
228. Guards will carry a small transmitter which, if released for any reason, will trigger the alarms and broadcast its location.
     
229. There will be two (2) security monitoring control rooms, and they will monitor each other as well as the rest of the complex. The duty security officer will flip a coin before his shift to determine which room he will be in; his deputy will be in the other one.
     
230. There will be guards behind bulletproof, gastight glass shields. They will be able to trigger highly fatal devices to clear the areas they are watching. When I am passing these areas, and only then, these guard posts will not be occupied. (I don't trust my lieutenants that much!)
     
231. Telepaths will be summarily executed in their sleep as soon as they are identified.
     
232. If I use or produce poisonous gases in my lair, my henchmen and I will have gas masks with us at all times. These will have large, clear faceplates which limit neither the peripheral vision nor the identification of the wearer.
     
233. I will have a panic button for my own use. It will not be visible, nor will it require the use of my hands to operate. A tongue switch seems like a good idea. It will summon a unit of guards highly trained in precision marksmanship, stealth, and melee combat. These guards will not barge in through the door, but will sneak up on the heroes and kill them. Until they accomplish this, I will grovel and beg the heroes for forgiveness and for my paltry life, pleading that the suffering of knowing the extent of my wrongdoing is punishment enough to leave me a broken man.
     
234. Guards will be trained to report anomalies. Support teams will be sent to investigate these; guards are to remain at their posts. Such support teams will be based at numerous locations within my lair.
     
235. Proper authentication procedures will be used for orders, especially interruptions of routine.
     

Comments

[entropicana.livejournal.com]

I did? I mean, of course I did.

But just to test, which of these are actually mine? :)

[dracodraconis.livejournal.com]

Number 226